When Roles Change| My Teenager Doesn’t Need Me Anymore

I’ve been a mom for 16 years now. Almost 17. And with each year as a mom I notice new characteristics with my oldest child and new ones within myself as a mom.

I get an opportunity to see what I’ve done well as a mom by instilling characteristics in her that I wish I possessed. Cultivating and pulling out parts of her personality that she isn’t always comfortable sharing and being flexible where I need to be so I don’t push her to do things she isn’t comfortable or doesn’t desire doing.

But I want to talk about how roles change as children get older. I’ve seen it happen with others. I’ve even experienced it for myself as a child growing into a teen who went to become my own person as an adult. For me, growing into my own at the time seemed like it took FOREVER to happen.

But now experiencing it with my own daughter, I actually see how quickly things change! You see it coming. You know it’s coming. You even help it to “come” by preparing your child. Teaching them the things they need to know. Right from wrong. Responsibility. Timeliness. You name it, you are probably preparing them for it. And then BAM! You witness it in a different way.

My daughter started driving recently. Like passed her driver’s test and has a car all in a matter of a week or two of one another. (Thanks Grandma and Auntie!!??) I knew this day was coming. I was with her when she practiced driving. With her when she practiced parking. We had countless conversations about the deadline she had given herself to take AND pass her driver’s test. I was present for all of this. I was even in the car with her when she passed her test. Yet, I still wasn’t quite ready for the change I KNEW was approaching.

She has been driving herself and sister to school AND work for the past few weeks and I felt a little odd at the beginning. It literally took a week or two for me to adjust to the change. I had been their chauffeur for YEARS! My routine was based on them and what they had going on and where they needed to be and by what time they needed to be there! I could change that mindset now. I didn’t need to include their morning routine with mine. And then it hit me. My child is REALLY driving and doesn’t need me anymore!

That feeling actually crept out of nowhere. She and her sister left out in the morning saying their farewells and I watched them back out the driveway with anxiousness, worry, hopefulness, and a new feeling I hadn’t quite acknowledged yet. I felt like I was no longer needed. She no longer needs me.

That morning was different for me. My baby is out here growing up and stuff. Not needing me. Being responsible and timely like I’ve taught her. Going to and from work and school and just living her best life. Throwing me to the side like I never existed. Sounds super dramatic but that’s how it felt! ??‍♀️

Later that same day I’m checking my watch around the time that the girls should be arriving home. “They should be back by now!” “What’s the hold up?” “Are they ok?” You know, Mommy thoughts. They pull up. She rushes in the house because she needs to get ready for work now. And I’m feeling a way because, she doesn’t need me and she could’ve said more than “Hi” when she came in and it shouldn’t have taken her this long to get home in the first place! I’m ALL in my feelings y’all. ??

Then she comes in the kitchen, where I was doing some work, in her work uniform now, and simply says, “I need a hug.” That day and the remainder of the week, she literally asked for hugs and advice on things pertaining to taking care of assignments for school, interning for school credit, her various business ventures, etc.

It was at that exact moment that I realized that children never stop “needing” you. Your kids get older. They become more responsible. More independent. That’s what we groom them for from birth through adolescence and teenage years. The roles shift. But they always need you in some capacity. The need simply changes.

I’m grateful for those requested hugs…because in all honesty… I’m certain I needed them more than she did. ??

Parents who have dealt with this, please share some advice with me! How do I deal with this ever evolving role change?? What are some more things I should expect with roles shifting and their increased independence??