How I Almost Lost Myself as a Caregiver

I remember the first time my son had a seizure. It was THEE scariest moment of my life. My heart dropped. My world stopped. And I all I could say at the moment was “Oh God!” repeatedly and held my son until my daughter came to help. Talk about shock! (Thank God DJ was there!)

Life started changing drastically! He was having 10-15 seizures a day sometimes. I was on my fitness journey during all of this and I remember my coach at the time saying ”I guess you will be taking some time off.” Almost in a way that granted me the “ok” to stop the journey. And I paused before I answered.

That was a pivotal moment for me. Because I had every single reason to take some “time off”. I had an out. To stop caring about what I ate. Stop caring about if I exercised and focus on him. But in the contrary it was also a chance to stop caring about myself. To stop caring about my health. And I wasn’t willing to do the latter.

I think back to that day often. Because I know how different life would be right now had I “taken some time off.” How different life would be if I had given up on myself to solely focus on him. He would be better and his seizures would be under control and I would STILL be spinning my wheels trying to figure out how to lose weight, how to eat right, and how to become healthy.

There were times where I laid in the hospital bed with him all day and night crying myself to sleep because I couldn’t do anything for my child to make it stop. I had zero control!

The only thing my husband and I could do was be his voice. Advocate for him when doctors wanted to change procedures or change medication or dismiss certain behavior changes. We counted his seizures. We reported what types of seizures he was having. We studied our child and the activity that shifted with each medication change. I never prayed so much in my life.

Some call it selfish to continue to think about my health while tending to his. How could a mother focus on herself while her child is in so much distress??

But honestly… I dont care what they think! Fitness saved my life and it definitely kept me sane.

I thank God for movement at that time because it kept me alive and gave me the strength to press through those tough times with my son. And when I needed to relieve some stress or had time away from the hospital… the gym was my go to! It allowed me time to focus on something other than medicine, doctors, IVs, and zero ability to “fix” the issue. It gave me a solid hour (sometimes less) to control one thing I could. My health.

I don’t share this story for pity for my son, or pity for me. I share this to encourage someone who wants to give up on their health because life is happening around them. Maybe someone you know is sick and dealing with their own ailments. Tend to them, but don’t you dare stop tending to you too! You will thank yourself later. 💖

With love! Coach Ash